Choose Joy

I just realized I haven’t written on my blog in about a month and the last time I was here I was writing about grief. It’s been a struggle over the years to find joy, if I’m being completely honest. I felt like one after another I was dealing with some sort of loss. My grandma, my dad, my sister passing and even the end of my marriage. I’ve had to make a conscious effort to choose joy on a daily basis and sometimes it is hard, like really hard. Why is it so much easier to be sad or depressed? I don’t have any idea why that seems to be so much easier but I’m still trying to wake up and choose joy. So, today, on my what would’ve been my dad’s 62nd birthday I’m going to focus on the things I loved and am so thankful for. I’m going to list them out so I hold myself accountable to be thankful and happy for these things.

I’m making a conscious effort to choose joy.

So here we go, the things I loved so much about my dad. My dad was funny. I mean he was really funny, but the kind of funny that was your typical “dad joke” funny. His sense of humor was dry, dorky but so hilarious. I’m so thankful for the 28 years he made me laugh and made me roll my eyes at his stupid jokes.

My dad loved me, and my sisters, so much. He wasn’t always the best at expressing his feelings but he always made sure I knew I was so very loved. He’d tell me all the time how proud of me he was for moving to Los Angeles and pursuing a fashion degree, how he was so excited about me becoming a mom and how he loved me so much. I am so happy that we had a great relationship for the 28 years I got with him.

I love thinking about funny things that happened with my dad. Like when I was younger and he was determined for me to love softball. My sister was a softball champ and well, I was not. My dad loved being our coach and I was basically un-coachable, oooops. I’d rather be doing anything than playing softball and even though I was no good and whined the entire time my dad still loved me through it with a smile on his face and words of encouragement. I’m still no good at softball but he’d be so proud of Colton’s love for baseball.

Just writing this blog has been oddly therapeutic. It’s so easy to be overcome by sadness some days but it’s so nice to remember all the happy and funny times. The holidays are always a time that’s hard to figure out how to navigate without family members around anymore. I wish so bad my dad could’ve met my children, that he’d be having Thanksgiving dinner with us or opening presents Christmas morning. I see so much of my dad in Colton and it makes me so happy. I’m so thankful for all the amazing years I had with my dad and I know I’ll still struggle some days but today on his birthday I’m choosing joy and celebrating his life.

Just know that if you are navigating a hard time this holiday season you aren’t alone. Loss is hard and I’m here for you, praying for you and if you need a listening ear I’m always here.

Happy Thanksgiving friends.

XOXO

Jess