Life.

I used to use a blog as therapy. A way to process how I felt about something, a memorable moment, a sad time or even something exciting. I’ve gotten away from that because….life. I thought, “what better time to take that back up”. So, here I am going to just type my feelings, unedited and as the thoughts come.

I’ll back up because the message I received from a stranger Wednesday wasn’t what was the breaking point. There have been many. I’m sure the majority of you know I’ve been married twice and if you didn’t surprise….2 failed marriages. I’m not proud of it. I love love. I have always been a relationship person, never the casual dater. I pour my heart into relationships, a lot of times only to get it broken. Sorry, getting off topic.

I made tons of stupid mistakes in my first marriage. Tons. I completely blame myself for it ending. I don’t want or need to get into it, but it was my fault. I was raked through the coals for it, which I know was deserved. People that were my friends went on public podcasts, Instagram lives, Reddit forums and basically everything there was to bash me. I vividly remember sitting in the Target parking lot at Sandy Springs Prado actually wanting to die. I was crying so hard I couldn’t see. I’m not looking for sympathy but I need to emphasize how I’ve struggled with forgiving myself for years. I’ve asked friends, family members, basically everyone I know for forgiveness but I’ve never really forgiven myself. Actually, I know I haven’t. I beat myself up about my first marriage failing at least weekly.

I, legally, can’t even get into the next marriage but I left. I needed to for me and I don’t question that decision. Even though I knew I was doing what was right for me, another failed marriage that I can’t forgive myself for. Nobody wants to be a failure, especially at something that should be so easy…..love. But, I keep failing at it.

During all of this, I’m trying to be a mom, attempt to work full time (which is real hard to do when you’ve been out of the workforce about 8 years), attempt to keep a blog going to be able to provide a good life all while trying to not cry weekly over someone sending me a hateful message on Instagram. Again, I’m not looking for pity. You have to understand that when you are already struggling with forgiving yourself for failing the last 4 years getting messages basically confirming that would send anyone into a tailspin.

I want to address something though. I’ve always, always, always talked about being kind. Always. Every night when I pray with the kids and every day on the way to school the last sentence I say is, “I pray Kenzie and Colton show God’s love by being kind to their friends.” It’s something I’ve tried to drill into their heads for years. I can confidently say that I think I’ve done a good job with that and so has their dad. I’ve preached kindness on Instagram, on stories and here on this blog. Yes, I’ve made some really big mistakes but I know I’m kind. I go above and beyond for people I love and complete strangers. I want everyone to know they’re loved but I’ve done such a terrible job of giving that love to myself. Ya know, back to that whole forgiving yourself thing.

I think online bullying is horrific. I think things people say on podcasts, on stories, in captions, whatever it may be can be so hurtful. I know I’m sensitive and I know everyone says, “you put yourself on the internet, you need thick skin.” No, I deserve the same kindness afforded to everyone else. Just because someone shares their love of their family, their life or even their clothing doesn’t mean they deserve to receive a message that makes them question their existence. I wish people could understand how much words can hurt. I can’t imagine if someone that didn’t have the friends I called Wednesday had received that message. What if that was it for them? That was their breaking point? Is that what people want when they send those messages, comments or stories? I know “hurt people, hurt people” but that doesn’t make the words they’re saying not hurt.

I’m so all over the place with this. Sorry, I hope I’m getting the point across. I went on Instagram stories to talk about the message I received and how done I am with being sent those kinds of things. I love the majority of the people that follow along on Instagram, some of them have been there for 4+ years. They’ve seen my highest highs and lowest lows but they’ve stuck around. I have people message me thanking me, I’m not even sure for what. People offer their prayers, their love and their life advice in the kindest ways. I love the little community of 29K strong that is there. It is so hard to ignore the people who send the hateful things but I’m really going to try.

I truly can’t thank you all enough. You’ve allowed me to make a little money from this Instagram to help support my family. I mean, thanks to you guys I get to surprise my kids for Christmas and take them to Disney for 2 days in January. Do you know how big of a deal this is for me? I’m a single mom, with a job with a not good salary and I got a campaign that will almost pay for our trip. Thanks. To. You. Guys. I literally have tears typing that. I know some people will think that’s silly but that’s a really big deal to me. I’ve been so blessed by the majority of this. Thank you. I know there will be the people that read this and will continue to bad mouth me, sigh. I’m just going to try to ignore it, which I already know I’ll suck at. I’ve owned my mistakes, I’ve asked the people I need to for forgiveness, I’ve tried to move on and now I’ve got to try to forgive myself and work on me.

Thanks for being my biggest cheerleaders.

XO

Jess