Loving and losing

I wrote about this a couple of years ago but I feel like I should revisit it because 1. it’s therapeutic for me to talk/write about and 2. I think it gives a better understanding to how things have shaped me as a person.

I got married in 2011. We got married in Laguna Beach, we were living in Los Angeles at the time. My 90-something year old grandma came all the way from Georgia to attend as well as numerous other family members. Now this is where the loving and losing comes in. That September my very, what I thought, healthy grandma was suddenly about to pass. It was heartbreaking. Just that July she had been doing so well and in an instant she was gone. Living on the other side of the country when all this is happening was the worst experience. I so badly wanted to walk through this with my family but instead came home for the funeral and had to return to Los Angeles.

Shortly after coming back, and only after a few short months of marriage, we found out we were expecting our first child. I was a nervous wreck but my parents were over the moon. In June 2012 my parents even traveled to Los Angeles to have a 3D ultrasound of our then 14 week old babe. They were so excited to know the gender…..funny story about that. This place promised accuracy, promised it. Well, I was told I was having a girl. I’ll save that story for another day. That was June 2012. July, just a few short weeks later, I am at the beach with Nathan and he receives a call from my mom that my dad is in the hospital but not to worry. She tells him to not tell me, I’m pregnant and she doesn’t want me to worry. My dad stayed in the hospital a week and when we returned to LA Nathan filled me in on what was going on.

My dad had had a heart attack. They had discovered he needed triple bypass surgery. WHAT. How was the man that was walking up and down Manhattan Beach 2 weeks prior laid up in a hospital needing a very serious surgery? My heart and head were a mess. I wanted to come home but my mom and everyone else assured me he was in the best hands. Unfortunately, since he’d had a heart attack they had to get him to certain levels or something before they could operate on his already fragile heart. It was a week before he was cleared for surgery but finally it happened. At the time I was working for Monique Lhuillier, literally my dream job. I got to work alongside one of the most talented wedding gown designers in the business. I truly couldn’t believe it.

But this particular day at work my head was everywhere else but at work. I stared at my phone waiting for a call saying his surgery was successful and finally it came. The sense of relief I had was like nothing I’d ever felt. I wish I could remember more about this day but it was such a blur. I talked to my mom and you know what’s so strange is I don’t even remember if I spoke to my dad. I know there’s a reason for that, I’ll get there. I went home after work with a pep in my step and was so thankful. When I returned to work the next day the feelings of worry were gone. I walked to Starbucks with my coworkers, like I did most days, and left my phone sitting on my desk. I was gone for about 15 minutes and when I returned back to work I had 10 missed calls from Nathan.

While I had my dream job at this time Nathan’s experience was quite the opposite. His job was with an absolute monster named Suzanne and I never heard from him during the day…..ever. I knew something was wrong but my brain never even went to my dad. I immediately called him back and could tell he was driving. I could hear his voice shake and he told me he was coming to get me. I honestly don’t remember much else. I know he said “you’re dad isn’t good” and I fell to my knees. I knew. I knew my dad had died. My coworkers got me to the lobby and tried to console me but it was impossible. My dad had a pulmonary embolism, he died immediately. Wow, this is hard to type. I actually have never typed this all out, in detail, and it truly feels like this was yesterday. I even remember what I was wearing that day. It is so weird the things you remember and the things your brain lets you forget. More loving and losing.

I walked out of my job that day and I never went back. I left my dream job because I knew my mom needed me home in Georgia and I had to step up. I flew home at 22 weeks pregnant and Nathan took care of things in LA. I cleaned out my dads side of the closet, I picked out a casket, I helped my mom organize unfinished home renovations, get trees cut down, made sure she ate, checked her mail and just made sure she wasn’t alone. They’d been married 35 years. I don’t think she knew what to do and I didn’t want to give her the space.

I look back at this time with my mom, while I was pregnant, and cherish it. I also wish I had grieved. I took on the role of caretaker of my mom instead of caretaker of myself. I didn’t, or couldn’t, process how I felt about suddenly losing a parent because I wanted her to be ok. She never asked for this and I wish I would’ve given both of us time to grieve. I think I caused myself a lot of emotional problems down the road because of how I dealt with my dad’s passing. I’d never been in a situation like this. I truly had no idea what I was doing. Hindsight, I would’ve taken care of me as well as everyone else. This is still something I’m struggling with….take care of me so I can take care of others.

This blog has become a bit of an outlet for me to talk about things I don’t ever talk about. I don’t know if it’s helpful to read what others have gone through, how they wished they’d done things differently or just to gain wisdom on someone’s life. My dad passing changed me. I don’t know if I can pinpoint exactly how but it did. I think it made me want to love bigger than I already did and to make sure people I love knew I love them. It made me want to make sure I made my health a priority. It made me reflect on all the amazing times with my dad, to remember the happy not the sad. And you know what? The last conversation I remember having with my dad? He was in the hospital, laying in that bed, waiting for his heart surgery and still cracking stupid dad jokes. That’s the last memory I’ll have of dad and I’m so glad it’s a happy one.

Miss you dad.

xo

Jess